Communicate without subtext
Tl;dr Say the quiet part out loud, even (especially) when it’s hard. Do so with compassion and an open mind.
Effective feedback uplevels work, makes us better colleagues, and catalyzes growth. Feedback is effective when it’s authentic and clear. That’s easier said than done.
Our human tendency is to dilute what we want to say with language that obfuscates the point. Telling people what we really think puts ourselves out there by exposing our opinions. And maybe we’re wrong! Or worse, we might offend someone by critiquing their work.
We can’t let these fears prevent candor. When we mute our true beliefs, we let issues fester and spread. If we suppress feedback about work, the work is worse for it. If we suppress feedback about each other, we internalize bad habits. The more honest takes end up getting shared privately, often excluding the people to whom the feedback is most relevant; constructive criticism devolves to gossip.
So my challenge is: Say the quiet part out loud.
Speak up when you disagree. Vocalize if you think we’re headed down the wrong path. Never sit silently working on something you don’t believe in simply because you think it’s not your job to question.
Acknowledge tension. If you’re meeting with someone and the stress is simmering, acknowledge it. This relieves the pressure and enables you to have an honest conversation about how to move forward. If you’re discussing a decision with someone and their words are, “I’m aligned” but their face says, “You’re crazy,” acknowledge that outright.
Critique directly, not by proxy. If you find yourself chattering with others about how “person x always does this annoying thing,” the compassionate thing is to tell that person directly.
Being direct doesn’t mean being a jerk. I want to be clear:
Engage with tact. Investing in relationships over time builds trust, and ensures that even tough to hear feedback lands better. When you have critical feedback, deliver it thoughtfully – typically in private, with a warm tone and stated intent to help rather than demean.
Acquire context. Before opening the door to relitigating, you should understand the rationale behind a decision. Although the best work stands on its own, surprising decisions usually have rationale. You may disagree with the rationale! You may think it’s bad rationale! But when you take the time to understand it, you can present a more informed argument. Your feedback will be better, harder to write off, and feel more respectful.
Keep your opinions weakly held, and be ready to disagree and commit. Feedback is (almost) never better unsaid. But sharing an opinion is not license to get your way. When you surface an argument, do so with an open mind and readiness to be persuaded otherwise. Even then, you may not reach consensus. While you should feel empowered to push or escalate when important, recognize that we don’t always get our way and that shouldn’t prevent us from moving forward with conviction.